Wolf Farm Blog’s Horrible Word of the Day

CHUNKY.

Don’t use it. Don’t use it in reference to your wife, your single friend, or your dog.

Don’t describe your last meal as chunky, and never try to snazzify the word by saying how “chunkalicious” that bean soup was that you had for breakfast. That will never get you laid.

Chunky and any variations on the word should be returned to the Disney Vault of Horrors from WHENCE IT CAME. Chunky Kit Kat bars (nom nom nom), chunky sweaters, blowing chunks, fat children: all abominations.

What kind of idiot would wear this?

Chunky: Two syllables, six times the HORRIBLE.

Ask Dr. Frog

“Dear Dr. Frog,

I’m in a real rut. I knew moving to the city would be a big change, but I don’t think I was really thinking clearly about what those changes would be. My electricity bill was up another thirty bucks this week (probably due to my recent purchase of an electric razor) and I might be getting kicked out of my new condo because apparently I violate the no pets policy. It is hard to stay optimistic when I cannot ‘dress to impress’ to save my life and most restaurants will only allow me to eat if I sit quietly by the dumpsters. Please help.   — Bear”

Dangerous Bear

Dear Bear,

First of all, take it from a Frog: it’s not easy being big, brown, or hairy. I can really only offer you a few definite plans for major life changes. These are No-Fail Life Solutions that should be followed blindly when you are needy and desperate. They will make you Strong and Rich. That’s a care-antee (that smiley, shifty dude fixing his tie looks totally legit).

STEP 1: Go Bald or Go Home. Find a local shaving fetish party and start networking! Not only will your love life improve, you’ll make friends, and save BIG TIME on that electricity bill!

STEP 2: Have your landlord for dinner and show him how wrong he was. No, really, eat him. Then steal his wallet. This way you can keep your place AND buy yourself a nice dinner (and some carpet cleaner).

STEP 3: Following Step 1 and Step 2, you should now be hairless enough and have some SNAZZY clothes (and ID) to pass as Human.

This should work. If it doesn’t, take 5 valium and call me in the morning.

Bear hugs,

Dr. Frog.

Thievery Manifesto

Fellow Thieves, Thievettes, Thievages.

HEAR MY CALL!

We are gathered here today to discuss the growing issue of bald-faced Thievery amongst our sweetest compatriots. These being the simple minded, pad-footed roommates with whom we are all familiar. Roommates are a notorious subsection of Thieves, in that they work daily but rarely get caught. And when they do, punishment is seldom more than a passive aggressive fridge note. In fact, TIME Magazine’s Top 100 Thieves of the Current Century listed them at #3!

They are sneaky and subtle, pilfering cups of sugar, glasses of milk, and the vulnerable fruit (except for lemons. Lemons can go to hell). What’s worse is that they tarnish the good name of Thieving by being OBVIOUS!

Given this concrete proof, it is now safe to assume that Roommates are an insidious vector of household tension and empty pantries across North America. Thieves alike will agree that we do not aim to cause frustration, anger, increased frequency shopping, or patchy pantries to others. Nay, we act of our own goodwilled intention to ensure that our felt presence is never more than soft caress on your leather wallet; never more than a whisper in your hallway in the night; never more than the sweet tinkling of broken glass in the furthest reaches of your upstairs attic.

We must act quickly and rapidly to ensure that we are doing everything in our power to uphold the good name of Thieves everywhere! If you see a Roommate in the act of Thieving, do not think, just shoot*. The faster we eliminate them, the faster we can reclaim our pride in the name of love Thieves! In the name of THIEVES.

Stay tuned for Tips on Identifying Thieving Roommates.

Until next time,

Stay safe, stay alive,

Frog.

*Alternatively, do not think, just start drooling and somersaulting while gargling pop.

How To: Win Over the Opposite Sex: Part 2

YOOOOO HOOOOO! Hey baby, you been waiting for me?

Oh I know you have. Because I’m just that good. I know you’ve been drooling at your computers, waiting for little ol’ Frog here to dispense more GOOD advice on how to pick up that hot piece of lovin’ that’s been giving you the stink eye.

I showed you how to break the ice, but now what? You’re staring and fumbling, mumbling and sweating and you don’t know what to say next. It’s easier than you think. GET CLOSE (really close) and use one of these handy pick up lines:

• I know I’m out of your league, but I’d like to give you a chance anyway.
• I work at Chevron, and I don’t do this for just anyone, but I’d like to give you $1 off your next purchase. *WINK*
• Baby, I’d like to bottle your sweat and sell it for a million dollars. I brought a squeejee. You can do me next.
• Let’s go back to my house and shave each other.
• Brown is to bananas what you are to me. Let’s go somewhere and peel each other’s clothing off.
• Hey baby, you look kind of tired. Want to go back to your house so I can watch you sleep?
• I want to invade you like an earwig (Reader Submission!)
• Hey sugar. Did you know that Me + You = 12^ SEXY divided by HOT STUFF? If you carry the One and subtract Clothes, you get Me as the Numerator and You times 10 as the Denominator. You can’t say no to logic!

Put away that vacuum, son. Put the vegetables back in the fridge, ladies. TONIGHT, YOU’RE ON FYA.

Love always,

Frog

How To: Win Over the Opposite Sex: Part 1

Babes, dudes, chicks, hunks:

OPEN YOUR EARS AND HEAR ME!

Lately, we’ve been noticing that you are all terrible at getting laid making new friends.

First things first: Approach. Use these ICEBREAKERS to break the ice.

• You would be so beautiful if your hair was two shades darker.
• I’m a beautiful man. Would you like to rub my feet?
• I’m a hunter…
• How cool am I?
• Have you ever killed a man?
• Is that a men’s or a women’s haircut? Whatever. You’re hot!
• *POKES EYE* Oops. Need me to drive you to the hospital?

All of these have been rigorously tested here at Wolf Farm Relationship and Romance Labs Incorporated©, so we know you cannot fail. Good luck and godspeed.

All my love,

Frog

How to: Deal with Lemons

Folks, Brethren, Sistren:

Hear me now.

Today we’re going to discuss what to do in the event that Life gives you Lemons. It’s simple, really. All you need to do is: take a bath. It’s that simple!

You might be wondering, Why would I do such a reasonable thing? Well, friends, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS.

1. Let’s face it: Life is going to give you Lemons at least once per month for the rest of your life. Might as well use them up.
2. Lemons are a natural astringent. You can get cleaner, faster, just by bathing in lemonade!
3. Not only will you get clean, SO WILL YOUR TUB. Win-win!
4. Lemons smell good. You want to smell good right? Then soak in lemon juice and you’ll never smell anything ever again!
5. Lemons are such good antibacterial, stain-fighting, cleaning GODS, that after your Lemon bath you can scrub the floor with your body! That’ll take care of that nasty back itch.

Exactly like soap. Exactly.

Convinced? Good. Here’s what to do to make sure that you’re bathing properly in pure homemade lemonade: Take 3 large Lemons and fill your tub with lukewarm water. Put the whole Lemons into the tub and soak for 45 minutes. You and your bathroom should now be clean.

Happy bathing everybody!

Love, Frog.

[WARNING: THE WOLF FARM CLUB IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ATTEMPTS TO CLEAN WITH MANGOES]

Frog’s Lesson of the Day

Trouble getting into water? Do it like an AMPHIBIAN and never be dry again!

Follow these 4 simple steps and you’ll be clean in no time!

1. Put your left foot in.
2. Take your left foot out.
3. Put your left foot back in,
4. Finally, shake it all about, in a circular, undulating motion.

You should now be in the water.

Good job. Take a break. You’ve earned it.

Vampires in the Night Manifesto

My people,

I know that most of you are good, moral people.

But it has recently come to my attention that there are people out there, people who are weighing us down as a society.

Vampire people.

It is a historical fact that immoral people are vampires in disguise. Vampires of the night.

In Imperialist China, a Hebrew saying was recited every full moon:

Fulcrum Vampire Exultation Telusmobility

Here we have the historical origins of vampires simplified before our eyes.

Here’s how you can avoid Vampires of the Night:

How to identify a vampire: Identifying factors not yet known.

How to kill a vampire: Unknown; experts are still trying to determine whether they can die, and whether they are alive

How to keep safe: …

I hope you find this information useful.

Until next time,

Stay safe, stay alive,

Toad

How To: Flirt

Feeling lonely? Need a Barbie? Or a Ken?

Either way, you suck at flirting.

Follow these simple steps and you’ll never, ever be alone EVER AGAIN!

WAHOO!

Here’s what to do:

• Buy a pack of breath mints and get close! Nothing says I Love You like constant touching! Don’t let ‘er get away!
• Which brings me to my next point: It’s never too early to say I Love You. First date, first kiss, first meet, whatever! ANYTHING GOES!
• Pheromones are the body’s natural way of signalling sex to others. Stop wearing deodorant and you’ll have more sex than your body can physically handle!
• Dress the part. Naked is best. Insecure? Wear those t-shirts that make you look nakeder AND SEXIER.
• Give presents. The cuter the better: fuzzy bears, love ferns, animals with big eyes, and everything scented with perfume. People eat that shit up.
• Write love poems. That rhyme. It’s the modern way to express your love.
• 8 by 10 them. Mail them 8 by 10 colour photos of you every day you cannot be there in person.

Here’s to you and gettin’ r done! NEW FRIENDS.

Love, Frog

Ask Dr. Frog

“Dr. Frog,
I’m struggling to regain my composure after a recent encounter I had at a Cafe. I was promised to be kept company for 5-8 minutes while I went outside to get some air. Now, when it was time to go outside, the other party decided they were actually going to leave instead. Should I feel hurt from the broken promise, or should I let it go?
Thanks in advance for your insights regarding social dynamics”

Dear TIAFYIRSD,

5-8 Mins/ 1 Promise= Hurt.

Now ask yourself this: If the Promise was actually comprised of  (Weak Social Bond + Discussion of Child Porn + Study Fatigue), then it follows that the Promise = 3. Thus, the new Love Equation is 5-8 Mins/3 Inhibitory Social Factors = Let It Go.

If this doesn’t help you then there are several things you could try:

1. Don’t be a pussy.

2. Stop Getting Air. This is the number one cause of death in Central Eastern Europe.

3. Start exercising for 3 minutes a day for 2 weeks. Try light stretching. The extra energy will renew your spirits and you’ll feel more alive than when you were BORN! You CAN’T lose!

4. Quit smoking! Studies show a negative correlation between amount of smoking and number of social interactions. You CAN’T lose!

That’s all for now,

Love Dr. Frog