Folks, friends, fellow amphibians,
The Wolf Farm Club is introducing a new series of gourmet, low-cost, fast and F-U-N health recipes! All of the recipes you’ll see are 100% tested and guaranteed Healthy*.
We’re going to start off with a complete breakfast made for 1. It’s ready in under 10 minutes (or as long as it takes you to say “I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the Wolf Farm Club!”)
WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR? BITCHES? AMIRITE?
- 2lbs lean ground beef (protein is necessary for building muscles and bone growth)
- 1/2 block sharp chedda (this is essential, because dairy is as dairy does. Mooo)
- 4 baby carrots (beta carotene helps you see in the dark)
- 1 slice of bread
- Put the ground beef onto a microwave safe plate and top with yo chedda. Some like to add salt, but those people are fucking idiots because salt is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. Ugh. Leave the flavour off to help curb your appetite for the rest of the day.
- Place in microwave and cook for 9 minutes or until beef is leaking and grey throughout.
- While it’s cooking, wrap the baby carrots in the slice of bread (NO BUTTER YOU FUCKS THIS IS A HEALTH RECIPE) and eat.
- Once the beef and cheese have cooled, enjoy! You’re set until lunchtime, and the combo of all the food groups in your delicious breakfast will keep you feeling full and energetic!
* Our lawyers suggested we add this definiton for clarity: Healthy defined as pertaining to, or involving, or otherwise directly related to health.
Friends, fellow Enlightened Ones:
HEED OUR CALL TO ARMS!
And by Arms, we really mean, The WOlf FaRM UnIVErsity! Yeowzah, baby!
We’ve been working on a
scheme plan to educate you the way that kindergarten never could. We’re offering low cost, low budget, high class education for a fraction of the cost of a “real” university!
In the next few weeks, we’ll be unveiling the floor plans for WFU. Don’t worry though, we have already set up a classroom in case you need your degree before we’ve begun construction. Me casa su casa, right?
We’ll also be posting all the classes we offer– only the highest rated and most popular of the semester so far will be included. OBV.
Generally speaking, toast must be in the toaster before it can be toasted.
Here’s how to tell if you’re toasting toast:
- Keep a daily Bread Log to track the number of slices of bread you currently own. This way, if two go missing (say, in the toaster), then you’ll always have a reference.
- Refer to your Bread Log when you buy groceries, bank online, or play video games. This is a VALUABLE resource.
- Look at this picture:
- Check the toaster. Is it in there?
- Yes: Go to number 1.
- No: Go to number 2.
- Fish around inside with a fork. If you’re still having problems, repeat steps 1-3. You should now know if you’re toasting toast.
- Wait for toast to pop out. Butter, then cover with plastic wrap. Freeze. This is one of the most important steps here, as it will save you money.
Frog and Toad
WARNING: FROGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE EATEN WITH GARLIC AND BUTTER. Maybe Toads. BUT: if you see someone engaging in this horrendous act, there are 3 things that you can do.
1) Wooden Stakes. These are especially effective if you shout while briskly walking towards the Offender from a distance. The key here is Element of Surprise.
2) Silver Bullets. No gun? No problem! Just throw them really hard. They should kill no matter what.
3) Garlic. Fight fire with fire by sucking on, rolling in, wearing, and throwing cloves of garlic at the Offender.
Remember folks: if you see someone eating Frogs, Don’t think, just ATTACK.
Don’t use it. Don’t use it in reference to your wife, your single friend, or your dog.
Don’t describe your last meal as chunky, and never try to snazzify the word by saying how “chunkalicious” that bean soup was that you had for breakfast. That will never get you laid.
Chunky and any variations on the word should be returned to the Disney Vault of Horrors from WHENCE IT CAME. Chunky Kit Kat bars (nom nom nom), chunky sweaters, blowing chunks, fat children: all abominations.
Chunky: Two syllables, six times the HORRIBLE.
BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP BRRRRINNNNNGGGG!
Dr. Frog here! Glad you called. I was just finishing up my sourdough-basted grenouille. Mmm, a real delicacy in France.
If you’ve ever had a crappy experience at a Walk-In Clinic, then FOLKS, LISTEN UP. Below is a sample transcript of the ideal clinic experience. This knowledge will help prepare you for the best damn time you’ve ever had in a waiting room!
DOC: What seems to be the problem?
YOU: Well, I’ve had this awfully painful sore throat, coughing, fever, and runny nose for a couple of days now.
DOC: I see. Let me take your temperature. Sticks thermometer in ear. BEEP! Ah. You’re hypothermic. You allergic to anything?
DOC: What happens when you take it?
YOU: Uhh… I don’t know, well, I uh,— wait a sec—
DOC: Okay, well that’s all the time we have! All I can tell you now is that it looks like it could be viral. Here’s a prescription for antibiotics. Fill it if you feel like crap tomorrow. Or don’t. Or come back in. Or go somewhere else. BYE!
Doctor scuttles off.
What a good time. Now, keep this in mind the next time you’re ill and insecure, ’cause you know what they say, “thinking things makes shit happen”! Or something.
“As long as you THINK you can have a good experience, you probably still won’t because it’s a Walk-In Clinic.”
IF ONE MORE PERSON ASKS ME IF I LIKE HONEY, I’M GOING TO FUCK SOME SHIT UP.
HEY. LET’S TALK ABOUT SKYTRAIN ETIQUETTE FER A MINUTE HERE. HOW COME PEOPLE CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR ME TO GET OFF THE DAMN THING BEFORE THEY SHOVE THEIR SMELLY, BAG-LADEN, GAZE-AVERTING GUILTY SELVES ONTO IT?
HEY YEAH IT’S ME AGAIN. FUCK YOU TOO.
THIRD, YOU KNOW THOSE FUCKING SUBWAY SANDWICHES? YA EVER NOTICED THAT AFTER A DELICIOUS SAMMICH, YOUR FAT HANDS SMELL LIKE DAMN MUSTARD FOR SEVEN HOURS?
THEY STAIN YOUR FINGERS WITH MUSTARD. OH, AND-
MUSTARD MAKES YOUR HANDS LOOK LIKE SHIT.
NOW WHERE THE HELL IS MY COBRA?