Thievery Manifesto

Fellow Thieves, Thievettes, Thievages.

HEAR MY CALL!

We are gathered here today to discuss the growing issue of bald-faced Thievery amongst our sweetest compatriots. These being the simple minded, pad-footed roommates with whom we are all familiar. Roommates are a notorious subsection of Thieves, in that they work daily but rarely get caught. And when they do, punishment is seldom more than a passive aggressive fridge note. In fact, TIME Magazine’s Top 100 Thieves of the Current Century listed them at #3!

They are sneaky and subtle, pilfering cups of sugar, glasses of milk, and the vulnerable fruit (except for lemons. Lemons can go to hell). What’s worse is that they tarnish the good name of Thieving by being OBVIOUS!

Given this concrete proof, it is now safe to assume that Roommates are an insidious vector of household tension and empty pantries across North America. Thieves alike will agree that we do not aim to cause frustration, anger, increased frequency shopping, or patchy pantries to others. Nay, we act of our own goodwilled intention to ensure that our felt presence is never more than soft caress on your leather wallet; never more than a whisper in your hallway in the night; never more than the sweet tinkling of broken glass in the furthest reaches of your upstairs attic.

We must act quickly and rapidly to ensure that we are doing everything in our power to uphold the good name of Thieves everywhere! If you see a Roommate in the act of Thieving, do not think, just shoot*. The faster we eliminate them, the faster we can reclaim our pride in the name of love Thieves! In the name of THIEVES.

Stay tuned for Tips on Identifying Thieving Roommates.

Until next time,

Stay safe, stay alive,

Frog.

*Alternatively, do not think, just start drooling and somersaulting while gargling pop.