Wolf Farm PSA

Attack is a four-letter word.

Think about it.

Every time you think about attacking someone, you could fall victim to the use of a four letter word.

Don’t understand? It’s simple, darlings:

Dead. Kill. Rage. Hurt. Frog. Toad. Evil.

All four-letter words.

Please, for the sake of your amphibious Friends, Don’t Let Attack Happen To You.

This Wolf Farm Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the letters F, R, O, and G.

Ask Dr. Frog

“Dear Dr. Frog,

I’m in a real rut. I knew moving to the city would be a big change, but I don’t think I was really thinking clearly about what those changes would be. My electricity bill was up another thirty bucks this week (probably due to my recent purchase of an electric razor) and I might be getting kicked out of my new condo because apparently I violate the no pets policy. It is hard to stay optimistic when I cannot ‘dress to impress’ to save my life and most restaurants will only allow me to eat if I sit quietly by the dumpsters. Please help.   — Bear”

Dangerous Bear

Dear Bear,

First of all, take it from a Frog: it’s not easy being big, brown, or hairy. I can really only offer you a few definite plans for major life changes. These are No-Fail Life Solutions that should be followed blindly when you are needy and desperate. They will make you Strong and Rich. That’s a care-antee (that smiley, shifty dude fixing his tie looks totally legit).

STEP 1: Go Bald or Go Home. Find a local shaving fetish party and start networking! Not only will your love life improve, you’ll make friends, and save BIG TIME on that electricity bill!

STEP 2: Have your landlord for dinner and show him how wrong he was. No, really, eat him. Then steal his wallet. This way you can keep your place AND buy yourself a nice dinner (and some carpet cleaner).

STEP 3: Following Step 1 and Step 2, you should now be hairless enough and have some SNAZZY clothes (and ID) to pass as Human.

This should work. If it doesn’t, take 5 valium and call me in the morning.

Bear hugs,

Dr. Frog.

Frog and Toad’s New(est) Best Friend: HONEY BADGER

Hey there, Folks!

We’s pleased and excited beyond WORDS to introduce to you our new Friend, HONEY BADGER.

Here are a few words to describe our excitement:

– Excitement
– Exuberance
– Delight
– Moonbug

HONEY BADGER will be writing a weekly opinion post, entitled Straight Talk with HONEY BADGER. Here’s a taste of how Amazing he is:

Sigh. Is there anything he CAN’T do?

Frog and Toad Play Leap Frog

Frog and Toad Wait for Flies in the Forest

Frog and Toad’s New Best Friend

This man illustrates our activities on a day-to-day basis. Thus, he is our new Best Friend. Only he calls it being “mentally unstable”. We call it LIFE.

Enjoy, friends.

Love,

The Wolf Farm Club

How To: Wagon Like a Dragon

Friends,

What fun.

How do you do? Cramped? Over-stimulated? Itchy? Me too. That’s why I’m here to tell you about a healing therapy I use that is similar to the one used in delousing children.

Yep, you guessed it! I’m talkin’ about Wagoning! Hey everybody!

I find that Wagoning is a useful strategy to cleanse my soul after so many people pass by my hut in the day. Wagoning, an old Englishe term originally used to denote “solitude and magnanimity”, is the Pro-Solitary Activist’s primary leisure activity. I usually drag Toad along, but you can bring your friends too! Just ask Toad!

Hi guys, Toad here! When did you all get here? I was just smashing the dishes.

Well here’s what you do:

1. Find a hill*. Get to the bottom of the hill.

2. Sucker, now get to the top of the hill.

3. Sit on the wagon.

4. Sporting your Harley Davidson T-Shirt, rev your wagon.

5. Dramatically kiss your lover goodbye. Spit a little in her/his mouth.

6. Wagon it

At this point, if everything went according to plan, you should be at /the bottom of the hill.

Finally, you are away from the others.

7. Check to make sure your friends are still at the top of the hill. Tie wagon to yourself.

8. Run.

Remember, Folks: Me Safety First!

Love,

Frog and Toad

*Ideal wagon runs like this one and this one

Anti-Social? More like Pro-Solitary!

An Open Letter to Our Friends

Re: the “definition” of “anti-social”

It has been brought to our attention that much of what we (your beloved Frog and Toad) say and do might be deemed “anti-social”. Let us now travel together down a path of Investigation towards Discovery of what “anti-social” is, why we may or may not be Citizens of AntiSociality, and who we Really Are.

Behold!

Take me, Toad. In the morning, I get ready for the day on my own, dancing to my music and howling at the moon when still visible from the previous night. I revel in my solitude. That’s why I adopt Egocentricism. I maintain the simple posture of singular importance in a world where other people matter only in terms of what they can do for me, and how soon. I believe that global events occur as the universe seeks to reveal important facts to me and me alone. Evolution? Same deal. I was the big bang. That was me. So when I leave my house in the morning to begin my great trek to university, I do my best to avoid eye contact with other passersby on the street. So far, so good. But then there is: the bus.

Bus bus bo bus, banana nana fo fuss, me my mo muss, bus! Frog here. Vancouver’s public transportation system is grossly overpopular. More than seven people on a bus is an infringement on my rights as a student commuter. Not only do I often have to stand in the mornings, sometimes I am even forced to give up my sacred, oft-usurped seat on the bus for a grown woman who, by simple consequence of her age is allowed to shove the rest of us onto our feet. Feet! I am a student! There are too many people on this bus! MY BACKPACK NEEDS THAT SEAT MAN. Your ELBOW is touching my SIDE.