Ask Dr. Frog

“Dear Dr. Frog,

I’m in a real rut. I knew moving to the city would be a big change, but I don’t think I was really thinking clearly about what those changes would be. My electricity bill was up another thirty bucks this week (probably due to my recent purchase of an electric razor) and I might be getting kicked out of my new condo because apparently I violate the no pets policy. It is hard to stay optimistic when I cannot ‘dress to impress’ to save my life and most restaurants will only allow me to eat if I sit quietly by the dumpsters. Please help.   — Bear”

Dangerous Bear

Dear Bear,

First of all, take it from a Frog: it’s not easy being big, brown, or hairy. I can really only offer you a few definite plans for major life changes. These are No-Fail Life Solutions that should be followed blindly when you are needy and desperate. They will make you Strong and Rich. That’s a care-antee (that smiley, shifty dude fixing his tie looks totally legit).

STEP 1: Go Bald or Go Home. Find a local shaving fetish party and start networking! Not only will your love life improve, you’ll make friends, and save BIG TIME on that electricity bill!

STEP 2: Have your landlord for dinner and show him how wrong he was. No, really, eat him. Then steal his wallet. This way you can keep your place AND buy yourself a nice dinner (and some carpet cleaner).

STEP 3: Following Step 1 and Step 2, you should now be hairless enough and have some SNAZZY clothes (and ID) to pass as Human.

This should work. If it doesn’t, take 5 valium and call me in the morning.

Bear hugs,

Dr. Frog.

Ask Dr. Frog

“Dr. Frog,
I’m struggling to regain my composure after a recent encounter I had at a Cafe. I was promised to be kept company for 5-8 minutes while I went outside to get some air. Now, when it was time to go outside, the other party decided they were actually going to leave instead. Should I feel hurt from the broken promise, or should I let it go?
Thanks in advance for your insights regarding social dynamics”

Dear TIAFYIRSD,

5-8 Mins/ 1 Promise= Hurt.

Now ask yourself this: If the Promise was actually comprised of  (Weak Social Bond + Discussion of Child Porn + Study Fatigue), then it follows that the Promise = 3. Thus, the new Love Equation is 5-8 Mins/3 Inhibitory Social Factors = Let It Go.

If this doesn’t help you then there are several things you could try:

1. Don’t be a pussy.

2. Stop Getting Air. This is the number one cause of death in Central Eastern Europe.

3. Start exercising for 3 minutes a day for 2 weeks. Try light stretching. The extra energy will renew your spirits and you’ll feel more alive than when you were BORN! You CAN’T lose!

4. Quit smoking! Studies show a negative correlation between amount of smoking and number of social interactions. You CAN’T lose!

That’s all for now,

Love Dr. Frog

Reader Testimonials

Scallywags UNITE!

The Wolf Farm Blog has been busy finding ways for you to keep on loving us in that tender way you do.

So we scoured the internet* in search of one true soul who would convince you that we are more than just a soft thump under your bed at night.

We found one. Putting my years of journalistic expertise to use, I used every trick that Barbara and Larry taught me and… Well, read for yourself:

WFB: Hi there, confidential. Feeling good?

UBC: WHOLEHEARTEDLY

WFB: Great! So, I’m going to assume you’ve been reading the blog for some time?

UBC: I AGREE

WFB: Mhm. Okay, okay. Personal question for you: often, people stop listening to what I say and nod off. Why do you think that is?

UBC: WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID

WFB: I see, yes. So one last question here, will you marry me?

UBC: I AGREE

Love always,

Engagement Frog

*Our blog, for comments

Reader Testimonials

Comrades,

The time has come. We will present to you an interview with one of our beloved readers, validating our existence.

Validating.

Our existence. Behold:

Wolfie: So, you’re a regular reader?

PSC: Indeed.

Wolfie: Is this one of the best blogs you’ve ever read?

PSC: It is!

Wolfie: Dare we say, the BEST blog you’ve ever read?

PSC: It indeed is!

Wolfie: Well, thanks, Pastry School Confidential. We appreciate your time.

PSC: It is!

So there you go, friends. Please feel free to comment or schedule an interview and you could be featured on our blog too!

Stay safe, stay alive,

Love Frog and Toad