Ask Dr. Frog

“Dear Dr. Frog,

I’m in a real rut. I knew moving to the city would be a big change, but I don’t think I was really thinking clearly about what those changes would be. My electricity bill was up another thirty bucks this week (probably due to my recent purchase of an electric razor) and I might be getting kicked out of my new condo because apparently I violate the no pets policy. It is hard to stay optimistic when I cannot ‘dress to impress’ to save my life and most restaurants will only allow me to eat if I sit quietly by the dumpsters. Please help.   — Bear”

Dangerous Bear

Dear Bear,

First of all, take it from a Frog: it’s not easy being big, brown, or hairy. I can really only offer you a few definite plans for major life changes. These are No-Fail Life Solutions that should be followed blindly when you are needy and desperate. They will make you Strong and Rich. That’s a care-antee (that smiley, shifty dude fixing his tie looks totally legit).

STEP 1: Go Bald or Go Home. Find a local shaving fetish party and start networking! Not only will your love life improve, you’ll make friends, and save BIG TIME on that electricity bill!

STEP 2: Have your landlord for dinner and show him how wrong he was. No, really, eat him. Then steal his wallet. This way you can keep your place AND buy yourself a nice dinner (and some carpet cleaner).

STEP 3: Following Step 1 and Step 2, you should now be hairless enough and have some SNAZZY clothes (and ID) to pass as Human.

This should work. If it doesn’t, take 5 valium and call me in the morning.

Bear hugs,

Dr. Frog.